Open letter

Dear 2:00am Saturday night female subway riders,

I'm really glad that you had a blast during your eventful Saturday night. I can tell by the way your hair is tangled and the makeup around your eyes is running that heavy dancing most likely occurred and it caused you to sweat like the fat kid playing baseball over the Summer. I really wish you could see yourself right now because I'm pretty sure that you didn't want to leave your apartment looking like such a hot mess.

First, when going out partying in crazy, awesome, glitter covered high heels - think about the end of the night. You know you will never make it home again in those shoes because of the alcohol and the fact that your toes can only take so much torture. I always recommend bringing a pair of flats or flip flops because who wants to be barefoot on the subway? No one, not even homeless Joe walks around barefoot. I really hope you sanitized those feet before getting into your bed.

Secondly, before you drink yourself into a stuper, try and figure out how you are planning to get home. If the plan involves subways, I suggest knowing which subway line you are closest to and how to get home from there. It is really annoying to watch you and your friends try to read a subway map when the train is moving and you keep stumbling around. It is also annoying to watch you all exit the train car at every station and then re enter yelling and discussing where the best place to transfer is. Get your act together.

Thirdly, I would highly suggest that drinking not occur on the train. It's illegal. I'm not sure who you thought you were fooling by concealing it in a black plastic bag, but every time you chose to take a sip of your black plastic bag, you gave yourself away. I think it's pretty intense to drink straight from the bottle, but I think it's more intense to do so in a public place. Lush.

Now that I have shared my awesome opinions with you, let me explain myself. I too had a good Saturday night. I went out, I drank, and I had to get home. I changed shoes from heels to flats so that the stairs and sidewalks did not meet my face and I made my way to the train. My friends and I got a seat, we chatted (not yelled and danced in the subway car), and then after an hour or so I got home. Unfortunately for a good portion of the ride your group chose to enter our subway car. You were loud, I was a little tipsy. You looked a hot mess, I was still a little tipsy. You annoyed me, and I get annoyed easily when I've been drinking.

Basically, you should have taken a cab and I think all of us would have had a better end to our evening.

Sincerely,

A now very sober and not as annoyed Laura